Have a bad day, watch a Jack Black movie. That’s my therapy.

I didn’t think things could get better than with a fun poke at religion and wrestling with Nacho Libre until I read that Jack Black along with Michael Cera would be appearing in a Biblical parody called “Year One.” Please, Mr. Harold Ramis, don’t blow this one. Biblical parodies are few and far between and with the upsurge in faith-inspired films we need the satire more than ever to keep people earthly minded.

I don’t think there ever has been a good parody of Genesis, which is surprising because there is so much obvious material to play with . The nudity, the talking snake, the forbidden fruit blame game. And don’t forget about the rest of Genesis with that whole Sodom “destroy all gays” incident.

Let’s get back to the nudity–have we ever seen a film about Genesis where the plant life wasn’t conveniently hiding the good parts? In all the time we’ve been making films I can’t think of a fully revealed Eve. Now that movies have to fill niches and are being produced at an unprecedented rate, this is a good opportunity for Ramis to get in his religious pokes.

And it doesn’t mean the film has to insult “God” (not that I care), it just means it has to parody the literal storytelling foisted upon us in Sunday School. Did anyone else read “Pix” when they were a kid? A handout for kids with comicbook adapations of Bible stories (sanitized for innocent eyes) with moral lessons attached.

I didn’t realize it, but this little propaganda scheme started all the way back in 1949. I have a nostalgic place in my heart for these comics. I own the collected volume which is basically a Comic Book Bible. It omits all of the boring geneaologies and focuses on the popular characters. It’s a shame there’s no real blood, sex or nudity and I wish they would come out with a version for mature readers. After all the Bible is filled with the weirdest crap once you sit down and actually read it.

Jack Black is supposed to visit Sodom in “Year One” and that should definitely relate to our modern times. With all of the emphasis on Sodom being a punishment set upon gay people there may be some sight gags that wrinkle a couple of noses at the MPAA.

If Ramis succeeds we could see a parody sequel. Regardless of the 1980 “Wholly Moses” with Dudley Moore, Exodus needs to be parodied again. There’s too many gags to count. And enough with trying to avoid the actual Bible characters by using premises where someone is mistaken for Moses or, in the case of The Life of Brian, Jesus Christ himself. It’s a cop out. Let’s parody Moses directly. Charlton Heston set the standard for the classic version. Jack Black as Moses would be incredibly hilarious–you can see it in your head right now, just like me.

But as you can see from the trailer, you should already be laughing. If you aren’t, I’m glad you’re offended.

With the media overload on the “swine flu epidemic” we can also add Star Trek into the list of affected victims. Mexicans will have to wait to “boldly go where no man, er, person, er, thing, er sentient being has gone before.”

 ET online has the in depth story…full coverage…no stone left unturned…

I guess the Wolverine movie was pushed back in Mexico too.

As you can guess, this is pretty much “non” news.  And really, doesn’t an outbreak of swine flu sound like an old Star Trek episode. Only it would take each victim one by one in different departments of The Enterprise. And the manifestation would be literal–pig snout, snorts, a curly tail sprouts. Captain Kirk would give a desperate plea in the boardroom to figure out who or what is to blame and inevitably it will be an entity who didn’t understand that humans don’t like to be afflicted with pig-related diseases. Either that or a big prank by “Q.”

 Man, with lame posts like this I can’t wait to see a good blockbuster movie.

Sidenote: Anyone else think “Spock” looks like he’s on speed and hasn’t slept for a month?

I noted earlier when I posted “Obsessed with a White Woman” that this movie could be a big hit because it was a white on black crime–or rather a white woman hitting on a married black man was sure to get a black woman pissed.

What I didn’t note is that after watching “Obsessed” that this is NOT a horror movie (as some critics have called it) or even a suspense thriller. It’s an action movie.

All we are waiting for in the movie is for Beyonce to kick some “skinny white ass.” That’s it. To be honest, I’m not even sure Ali Larter’s character “Lisa” did enough to deserve to die? Yes, she hit on Derek, tried to commit suicide in his bed, and she tricked her way past the babysitter to cuddle with their kid, but beyond that? No dead pet rabbits in the boiling water.

This is a tame Lifetime movie of the week and the suspense is lacking. When it came time for the showdown though I heard the women in the audience get riled up like men at a sporting event. And it dawned on me that all of the movies we think are female action movies–like Lara Croft, Tomb Raider–are really just more action movies for guys. What women need are action movies where there’s something emotional at stake–like a woman hitting on their man at work.

So I propose a whole new string of female action movies with the likes of Beyonce, Tyra Banks and maybe even Oprah–oh and if you want a white woman then Nancy Grace. All one has to do is take a show topic and turn it into a script: “My best friend slept with my fiance.” Then all the script has to do is leave room for a bitch fight at the end so the audience can hoot and holler, “Grab her hair!” “Gouge her eyes out!” “Remind her she’s over the recommended Body Mass Index!”

I kid, but it’s true. Domestic action movies where the plot stays close to home could be a new genre. If you’ll notice, the leading man did not give into temptation unlike Fatal Attraction. Which is why men didn’t really have much emotion invested in Obsessed. “Hey, we’re innocent. Let the girls fight it out.” Plus there wasn’t any nudity anyways, so I don’t advise this as entertainment for men to begin with. Only the last fifteen minutes are worth seeing.

The rest of the picture is for women who can’t hold their tongues–like my wife and one of her friends, and frankly all of the other women behind me that I kept hearing whisper comments.

SIDENOTE: Did anyone notice that there was no confirmation that “Lisa” slept with Derek when she drugged him? What was the purpose of her taking that action. Now that I think might have been justification for a final death. Basically raping Beyonce’s man. I think there must have been some big discussion behind the scenes and parts were edited out which would have made the film more vicious.

I’m spending a nice Saturday evening watching Season 2 of Twin Peaks and in the season opener we see Special Agent Dale Cooper lying on his hotel room floor with one bullet wound to the lower right abdomen and two bullets to the chest–blocked by a bullet proof vest.

Why did his bullet proof vest not cover his lower stomach? Because he was trying to remove a wood tick that had burrowed into his flesh, not an uncommon incident when walking in the Great Northwest.

I remember when my dad came home one evening after hiking and he showed me his arm. There was a bug’s behind sticking out of the skin. I didn’t know what it was and he explained that a tick was feasting on his blood–very creepy for a kid to hear.

Then my Dad explained that if you try to remove a tick with your fingers you will most inevitably end up ripping off the body and leaving the head. If the head is stuck in your skin it will decay and most likely cause an infection. Plus, who wants a bug head stuck in your skin?

The way to get rid of a tick is to get the little creature to back out of your skin. My dad took a needle and used a match to heat it up. Then he touched the head of the needle on the bug’s back end. It immediately wriggled out and was squished.

In Twin Peaks, Agent Cooper ends up in the hospital and a doctor removes the bulllet. With great humor we see smashed on the end of the bullet…the wood tick. The bullet killed it.

David Lynch (or Mark Frost who also created the show) was a genius. Unless that idea was from one of the crew–someone suggested it and I can’t think of a more original twist for a season opener.

Methodshop.com has a story on the “Domino’s Disgusting Employees Video.”  First off the original video can be seen on this page. And the response video on this page.

In a nutshell, if you haven’t heard, two idiots at a Domino’s Pizza in Conover, North Carolina filmed themselves goofing off which included a guy sticking stuff up his nose and putting it on a sandwich. Whether they actually served it or not is up for debate, but they sure look like the type of people that would.

Instead of Domino’s trying to censor the video, they played it smart. They put out a response video which made the employee perpetrators look like morons we would not want to associate with. I mean really, who are they making fun of–customers who eat pizza. That’s all of us!

I despise dumbass teenagers who spit in food, I saw it happen when I worked at Burgerville in Oregon when I was nineteen. It doesn’t matter how much of an A-hole the customer is, that’s above and beyond what is acceptable retaliation. Get their Visa card number instead and order some music downloads or something.

My only complaint is the host of the response video, Patrick Doyle who is the president of Domino’s, doesn’t make eye contact with the camera. He’s obviously reading off some quickly made cue cards. For a guy who’s the president of a major pizza franchise he might want to get some speaking lessons. At least dart your eyes back and forth–we’ll know you’re reading but that’s okay as long as you look into the camera every once in awhile.

It’s interesting that most cultural critics, usually on the religious conservative side, have decried the internet generation as crude, self-involved, and socially inept (simply because they communicate through blogs, chatrooms and discussion boards), but it looks like the opposite is true. The YouTube community railed against these Domino’s employees with response videos of their own. Going through a handful of them I basically see the same opinion: that those Domino’s employees were gross and what they did was uncalled for.

Pizza is an American dish that should not be trifled with. Do we really have to worry about someone putting boogers on the pepperoni? Have some respect so we can all continue to enjoy a slice.

Wolverine will be the hottest movie coming up. I think once again we have a return to the forgotten blockbuster summer where the studios went all out to get us to put down recession time money for tickets, popcorn and needless novelty toys. Look at the line up: Wolverine, Transfomers, Harry Potter, Terminator Salvation, and Star Trek? Holy Crap! Not to mention other possible hits like Land of the Lost and Public Enemies (Is Christian Bale starring in everything now-a-days?).

Back to Wolverine. I’m sure this coming Halloween kids will be dressing up as the hairy guy with the blades and I’m sure that may make kids realize how awkward it would be to “be Wolverine.”

We’re all human, er, as in we all make mistakes. Our bodies can flinch, trip, have one of those leg seizures when we’re sleeping, and do random things that make us feel like klutzes. How many injuries would the emergency room get if everyone had blades in their hands that could come out at any time?

It’s true that Wolverine has incredible healing abilities, but knowing my luck maybe the rest of us, if mutated with a metal alloy forced upon our bone claws, wouldn’t be so fortunate. We’d get the dangerous claws, no healing abilities and an expensive health insurance premium.

• See the cartoon above: putting in contacts. One muscle spasm and you’ve shot your eye out the other side of your head. Plus you’re out a contact. Those things cost money.
• Cooking: you know moms everywhere would be slicing sandwiches in two for their kids’ lunches. How many fingers would end up being brown-bagged?
• Wiping your butt: Yes, I went there because we’re all thinking it. One wrong move and you’ve added another hole.
• Shaking hands: nervous about meeting a sales client. Don’t squeeze that hand too hard or you’ve killed the deal.
• Playing with the kids: Don’t throw them too high in the air. Catching them might trigger some dicing.
• Making love: there could be more bedroom complaints than “your finger is cold” (Yes, I went there again, Ms. Hannah Montana).

Putting aside the accidents, the best thing about everyone having Wolverine claws would be the spectacles: road rage, domestic disputes, and new episodes of Jerry Springer.

This is a follow up to the last post on The Fall Guy. I wanted to see how many of the classic Heather Thomas poster poses I could find. Those who grew up in the eighties will remember many of these as they appeared in magazines and comics for sale. They make me a bit misty eyed for a nostalgic childhood looking up at hips and lips and wondering why that towel couldn’t just fall down.

These are actually for sale at Movie Market. I’m not pimpin’ for them, just noting since they’re not being sold just any where.

The one thing you’ll notice about her sexiest poses is that she shows off her magnificent hips. Do women show off their hips these days? I don’t know? There’s something about the thrust to the side of a good pair of hips with the light reflecting down the thigh that puts a smile on my face. In this second picture it looks like we’re in trouble, but not so much that she would call the cops. Bad peeping tom–bad! bad!

Heather poses with an eighties fashion look and maybe a bit too much make up. In the second picture she comes close to looking like Farrah Fawcett. I kind of wonder how many knockoff blondes made their careers off her fame.

And here is Heather as an older, more sophisticated woman. She holds her age well.

Eighties pinups are fun to look back at. I grew up in a home where it was frowned upon to look at pinups, no matter how cheezy, and now I can go back and have a guilt-free moment with a blonde that no longer exists.

I don’t want to generalize too much but there seemed to be more natural women back then if you watch the sex comedies and less inflated boobs and cosmetically enhanced lips like many of the fake girls today. Pam Anderson, for example, is a freak show–on par with Michael Jackson if you ask me. I find someone like Heather Thomas to be much more appealing and in her later years she doesn’t feel the need to hold onto her youth by strutting a cat walk in next to nothing. I found that recent stunt by Pam to be embarrassing–you’re not twenty any more, Pam! Hell, are you even thirty?

I’m on an eighties kick right now, just one of those moods, and I’m trying to see which eighties shows still hold up versus being so hokey I can only be amused and laugh.

The Fall Guy starring Lee Majors is one such show that holds up. The premise was straight out of a potential film for Burt Reynolds or Clint Eastwood: a stunt man that freelances as a bounty hunter when Hollywood isn’t hiring. It gives you confidence in “Colt Seavers” when he jumps his car or survives a fall, he was trained to do it.

The 1981 pilot is as good as a plot for an eighties action movie and Lee Majors with his gritty look makes for a tame version of Eastwood. Fact is, the entire character of Colt is a combination of Reynolds and Eastwood. Possibly that is why the theme song refers to both of them.

I never understood why Lee Majors never made the transition to the big screen, always was relegated to the boob tube. I believe there was a strong bias against TV actors at that time and Lee had already been in a western and that show about bionic body parts.

You’ll notice I posted a shot of Markie Post in her bikini. Who knew she was so hot. This was before her recurring stint in Night Court. In Fall Guy she played the bail bondsman–not in the pilot though, she appeared in later episodes.

The highlight of the show in addition to the featured star was Heather Thomas. She was and is now a breath of fresh air–trying watching the bickering snots of The Kardashians and then watch Heather Thomas. What a difference!

Thomas is a tough stunt woman in training named Jody Banks, another sexy tomboy for guys like me who don’t like whiny women who always need help. This bikini shot above is her most famous and was a poster seen on almost any horny teenage boy’s wall.

Fall Guy is also known for its theme song which was sung by–guess who? Lee Majors. Chuck Norris must have been inspired because he later did the same thing for Walker, Texas Ranger. Apparently the song is a classic in Germany.

The theme song has all kinds of inside jokes as well as the show itself. On the pilot show, Lee’s former wife, Farrah Fawcett, guest stars at the end. Lee even makes quick references to himself as an actor which you may or may not catch if you’re not paying attention. Other guest appearances pop up and Clint and Burt hopefully had a good sense of humor when they were told that stunt men made them look good.

I think that is another reason why the show appeals to me. It’s about the ignored guy in the background who really does make action “heroes” look good.  And I’m sure the life of the stunt man can be similar to that of a freelance artist, it’s either feast or famine. They probably do have to take side work at times, whether that’s Las Vegas acts or bounty hunting, who knows? I’m sure it’s not as glamorous as we would think which is what the series tries to show-even though it is full of adventure.

You can catch The Fall Guy for free at Aol TV, just click on classic full episodes. A lot of free shows available there, who needs commercial TV–well, they do shove a commercial or two down your throat but it’s better than several of them back to back.

Finally there’s a local cable TV station that is playing all of the old eighties primetime shows as well as other classics from previous decades. I gave up on TV Land a long time ago when I downgraded my cable package because they kept regurgitating what they showed on Nick At Nite.

Right now I’m watching an old episode of Buck Rogers. I love the special effects. When I watched BR as a kid I never realized how hokey they were.

Oddly enough this episode has guest star Tina Grey from the original Nightmare On Elm Street–the girl who gets dragged across the ceiling. She appears as a girl who does not know who she is and is wandering on an unknown planet.

You might also recognize the voice of Twiki because it was played by Mel Blanc, the master of cartoon voices who did nearly every Looney Tunes character created. I have to say Twiki has got to be the corniest robot ever put on screen besides the one from Disney’s The Black Hole–you know, the floating trash can.

I’m sure it’s easily recognized that the handful of space dramas that came out in the early eighties were inspired by the success of Star Wars and the growing cult following of Star Trek. Both Buck Rogers and Battlestar Galactica are good examples.

The character “Hawk” from Buck Rogers had to be an inspired knock off of Spock. Hawk is one of the last of a race of bird men. He looks half human and I guess he has feathers growing neatly out of his head, but no wings. His eyebrows are drawn at an upward angle, almost exactly how Spock’s are.

We’ve already seen that Battlestar Galactica has been reinterpreted with great success amongst sci-fi fans. I wonder if the same is possible with Buck Rogers? Kevin Sorbo would make a good replacement for pretty boy Gil Gerard. It could be rewritten with a little humor, a tribute to the previous series but with smarter dialogue and storylines.

Unfortunately, the recent crop of remakes of older series have been so serious that no one seems to want to take a chance on doing an intentionally humorous or lighthearted version of a sci-fi classic. The Flash Gordon TV remake could have been helped by someone noting that it should have been designed like a thirties comic strip instead of the straightforward ho-hum drama they laid out.

Buck Rogers is a good prospect for a mini-series if done right. Even now as I watch the ending to this episode, Buck is kicking butt with some karate kicks and judo moves. Kevin Sorbo would be perfect, he’s already been trained in the mixed martial arts that seemingly have no relationship to Greek mythology.

UPDATE: Before I finished this draft I checked to see if anyone might have news that a Buck Rogers remake would be considered. Yep. Check out the rumors here.

I know I’m horrible, but I just assumed that Zac Efron was gay. I’m not judging or anything, gay is fine–especially for a guy in musicals.

According to People.com Zac grew up with a crush on Tyra Banks and had her picture on his wall. It still makes me suspicious considering that Tyra is like a pretty version of Oprah and Oprah and Tyra’s show could only be tolerated by men who are leaning towards the gay world. Again I ‘m being horrible.

What is it about Zac that makes me think he’s gay? Something about that face. He reminds me of a hairstylist. And those eyes are kind of darling (did I say that, maybe I’m being a little gay myself).

I will not be surprised in the future though if and when Zac starts doing adult roles that he “comes out.” The whole teen thing was for an image to sell to vunerable young girls.

Zac’s movie 17 again is out in theaters. These types of movies where an older man or woman somehow goes back in time and inhabits their young body or their son or daughter’s young body seem to come out every decade starting with Freaky Friday. I’m not sure why Matthew Perry is starring in this vehicle, but then he hasn’t had any roles of significance lately and may be trying to latch onto Zac’s current fan base. That’s what smart older actors do, keep in the public eye by starring with young stars who may or may not last their hotshot phase.

I don’t know if I could pay good money to see 17 Again, I’ll wait until the TBS edited version, but there’s a scene in the trailer where Efron’s character resists jailbait since he’s an adult male in a teenage body. Realistically, how many guys would give in to that temptation? Legally speaking they’re fine, morally speaking…hmm. Something to think about. Guys will ponder, their women will beat them for even considering the thought.