Apr 23 2009
The Problems with Being Wolverine
Wolverine will be the hottest movie coming up. I think once again we have a return to the forgotten blockbuster summer where the studios went all out to get us to put down recession time money for tickets, popcorn and needless novelty toys. Look at the line up: Wolverine, Transfomers, Harry Potter, Terminator Salvation, and Star Trek? Holy Crap! Not to mention other possible hits like Land of the Lost and Public Enemies (Is Christian Bale starring in everything now-a-days?).
Back to Wolverine. I’m sure this coming Halloween kids will be dressing up as the hairy guy with the blades and I’m sure that may make kids realize how awkward it would be to “be Wolverine.”
We’re all human, er, as in we all make mistakes. Our bodies can flinch, trip, have one of those leg seizures when we’re sleeping, and do random things that make us feel like klutzes. How many injuries would the emergency room get if everyone had blades in their hands that could come out at any time?
It’s true that Wolverine has incredible healing abilities, but knowing my luck maybe the rest of us, if mutated with a metal alloy forced upon our bone claws, wouldn’t be so fortunate. We’d get the dangerous claws, no healing abilities and an expensive health insurance premium.
- See the cartoon above: putting in contacts. One muscle spasm and you’ve shot your eye out the other side of your head. Plus you’re out a contact. Those things cost money.
- Cooking: you know moms everywhere would be slicing sandwiches in two for their kids’ lunches. How many fingers would end up being brown-bagged?
- Wiping your butt: Yes, I went there because we’re all thinking it. One wrong move and you’ve added another hole.
- Shaking hands: nervous about meeting a sales client. Don’t squeeze that hand too hard or you’ve killed the deal.
- Playing with the kids: Don’t throw them too high in the air. Catching them might trigger some dicing.
- Making love: there could be more bedroom complaints than “your finger is cold” (Yes, I went there again, Ms. Hannah Montana).
Putting aside the accidents, the best thing about everyone having Wolverine claws would be the spectacles: road rage, domestic disputes, and new episodes of Jerry Springer.
