I’m not sure you’ll see Darby O’ Gill on The Disney Channel anytime soon. It’s not just the content, but the fact that Disney doesn’t show “Disney” anymore.

 When I was growing up in the late eighties, I was a Disney fan–what kid wasn’t, but I went a little beyond what you might call the usual interest. I tried to watch every old Disney film, good or bad. I loved the ridiculous stories and old-fashioned adventure for some reason. It may be that I often hate school and wanted to live in another time period.

When my family finally got a VCR I started renting as many of the Disney flicks as I could find on the rental shelves. Darby O’ Gill and The Little People was a regular pick. I must have watched a hundred times. When we eventually subscribed to cable and we had The Disney Channel I recorded it for multiple viewings.

Since being a kid, I realized Disney wasn’t all that “Disney.” He was a business man with many flaws and sometimes treated his employees badly. …But I can’t help but pick up the old films when I see them released on DVD. And last weekend I picked up Darby O’ Gill.

There was a time when boozing and brawling were acceptable as family viewing, as well as Irish stereotypes. The storyline of the film has Darby tricking the king of the leprechauns into staying up all night until dawn (when apparently they lose their magic powers) by giving him some homemade hooch. The king gets sloshed and damns his lust for drink because it got the better of him.

The drinking continues on with several bar scenes, one in which Darby earns himself a glass of stout for helping out the Parish to get a bell and even gets the leprechaun king a glass of the finest whisky (I think it was whisky) in the house.

Lastly, Sean Connery…oh, didn’t I mention this is one of his earlier films? He sings! Sean Connery’s character Michael gets whacked over the head by the town bully and made to look like he’s drunk so he’ll lose his job. The bully pours alcohol over him.

If the drinking doesn’t raise the eyebrows of some conservative homemakers thinking they can let their kids watch Darby O’ Gill without worry, then maybe the coming of death will get them to throw the movie out.

Darby’s stubborn daughter takes after a horse that’s loose in the hills and meets up with the banshee. She’s found unconscious and brought back home and the priest begins the last rites. Banshees are very bad for your health, I guess.

Poor old Darby steps outside again to fight the banshee away from his daughter, but then sees a coach in the sky drawn by black horses. It’s the coach of death and it isn’t leaving empty handed.  I won’t give away the rest of that scene, but I always loved it as a kid. It was creepy, magical and truly morbid all at the same time. The effects are a bit dated now though after watching it again, still for a family film it’s a bit dark.

Lastly, we have a bar fight because real Irish men don’t settle their disputes in the court system. They have it out with their fists. Sean Connery shows he was ready for Bond by clocking the bully a good one. As for his Bond girl he’d have to settle for an Irish sweetheart with freckles (far too cute to be a Bond babe and my wife said she was also too young–Sean Connery looked like a child molestor).

The only thing I’m disappointed about watching the film again is that there was no smoking, only a reference to a favorite pipe. See, I’m all about thumbing my nose at the new order that wants family viewing to be so damn pristine it becomes meaningless.

Darby O’ Gill is a perfect kids’ film. The wonder of leprechauns and the fantasy of living in a small village where everyone knows your name is something we miss with our big cities. Fairy tales aren’t told to kids, they’re turned into blockbusters or they’re not told at all. And organized mainstream religion kills the mystery of death by trying to keep pace with modern society and science instead of just throwing up their hands and recognizing God/death/leprechauns are not supposed to be explained. A superstitious old man or woman would be refreshing to hear from the pulpit.

As far as drinking, there’s a lesson to be learned: someone may be trying to get you soused in order to request three wishes–that is if you’re a leprechaun.

AMC is airing “Outbreak,” apparently it’s an “American Movie Classic.” I remember when AMC really did broadcast classics, a lot of old black and white gems from musicals to film noir to horror. Sigh.

 Not that I don’t mind their new selection which is usually Clint Eastwood or the Halloween series, I understand they had reinvent their lineup for advertising purposes. “Outbreak,” however, is better left to something like TBS or TNT or late night on one of the premium channels.

I watched it in the theater back when it was released in 1995. Directed by Wolfgang Peterson and starring Dustin Hoffman, it was a pretty decent mainstream flick…except…

Who the hell decided to cast Rene Russo as Dustin Hoffman’s wife/love interest? The woman is tall enough to step on him. They are so incredibly mismatched that it has to be one of the worst cinematic pairings ever.

Fortunately, the two are strong enough actors that we can still absorb the storyline, but every time they appear together the viewer is reminded of their star status–in real life it would be amazing to see these two together and guys would be congratulating a toad like Hoffman for nabbing Russo.

Nothing against Hoffman, I’m a fan, but somebody should have had the guts to say, “We need another leading lady!” A short one, not too ugly but certainly not gorgeous and definitely some wear and tear. Rene Russo is too beautiful to comprehend hooking up with an older guy that has to look up to admire her.

I put off seeing “Zohan” after seeing too many Sandler films in the theater that really were only worth the attention of a DVD rental. Now I realize this is one movie I would have paid full ticket price to see. It’s not for everyone, but if you have Jewish or Palestinian friends see it with them and laugh your ass off.

Adam Sandler plays a “Super Jew” counterterrorist who can do just about anything including dancing naked to disco beats. It’s the usual Sandler schtick of him being “tough” in some manner, but the writers added so many absurd moments that it feels fresh.

What I found most impressive, and please don’t read if you’re planning to see the movie anytime soon, was the “Rocky” parody. It’s been done to death, but it’s where Rocky cracks open several eggs into a glass and drinks them.

In the “Zohan” version I started to groan when I saw them aiming for that particular tribute, but then they added an original twist I’m amazed no one else thought to do. The Phantom, a Palestinian terrorist, is working up his strength to confront Zohan so as the Rocky theme plays in the background he cracks those eggs and out comes…baby chicks. They’re dropped into the glass one by one and then he downs them like a liquid. I laughed and after drawing so many gag cartoons it’s hard to catch me by surprise.

 So hats off to the writers. An old gag made new. And a movie worthy of showing at peace accords because the difference between America and The Middle East is we can give each other a bad time about each other’s race with a smile.

If you saw “Drag Me to Hell” you know it’s a fun ride, though not particularly original with the plotting. I wrote a review of it for CDInsight.com.

 What I didn’t make note of in that mostly favorable review was a mention of a scene that must have been cut. When Christine, played by the very innocent looking Alison Lohman tries to visit the Gypsy woman that put a curse on her, she runs into a family member who says something to the extent, “You were a fat girl once?”  Christine shamefully agrees.

 In another scene, she looks at an old picture of herself winning a contest for what looks to be the “best pig.” A literal pig that is, she was raised on a farm. This was one of those small town fairs where they award prizes from pies to Bob Ross imitated artwork.

And lastly, whenever Christine has a run in with a ghost, she becomes depressed and starts eating.

 So what I’m asking is where is the “fat scene”? This is a hell of a lot of foreshadowing for some terror to befall her. I was anticipating that part of the curse was for her to start gaining weight slowly or gain weight all at once in an embarrassing moment in front of friends or co-workers. It never happened.

You’ll have to try hard to convince me that the “fat girl” references were just for character building. I think Sam Raimi had something planned and it got cut or the studio execs said “no” for some reason or maybe even the MPAA said the scene had to go or no PG 13 rating.  I realize I’m bordering on a conspiracy theory here, but why all the fat remarks?

According to Times Online Raimi did have “final cut.” I’m guessing the fat girl scene may have been written out at some point because it wouldn’t work. I still would like to ask the director though…

I just wrote a post for CDinsight.com about US Magazine breaking the news on their decision to cast Chace Crawford in the Ren McCormack role originally played by Kevin Bacon.

Upon looking through all of the news I’m getting a sinking feeling that the Footloose remake will be an actual “Musical.” Maybe I have a bad memory, but I don’t remember Footloose as a musical–they just danced alot.

 Sure, there was a memorable soundtrack, but it was Kenny Loggins singing not Kevin Bacon.

The reason I’m suspicious is the director they chose for the project is Kenny Ortega, yeah, the guy who directed High School Musical. And we wonder why Zac Efron was originally up for the role.

More evidence is garnered by Zac’s reason for dropping out of the remake. He says he didn’t want to do another musical.

I’m not saying Footloose will make a bad musical, but the original eighties version was about dancing as a form of protest against traditional values. I think a “musical” version where everyone inexplicably breaks out into song is not really in keeping with the original mood of the eighties version.

But what the hell. They’re butchering all kinds of movies now. At least the reboots are working out pretty well because they’re simply using the original movies as inspiration and then starting their own storylines. Let’s face it Star Trek was incredible. Maybe they should make a musical out of that one?

On a sidenote, I’m not sure the rebellion against the preacher’s traditional values will be quite tame. Footloose was very innocent to begin with on that note, but I also say that because Kenny Loggins is very much a Contemporary Christian artist these days. He’s not going to lend his name to a movie that makes the Lord look bad.

CCM has nothing against dancing so I’m surprised that Fox Faith Films didn’t snatch up the rights. They could have easily Christianized the entire story.

Have a bad day, watch a Jack Black movie. That’s my therapy.

I didn’t think things could get better than with a fun poke at religion and wrestling with Nacho Libre until I read that Jack Black along with Michael Cera would be appearing in a Biblical parody called “Year One.” Please, Mr. Harold Ramis, don’t blow this one. Biblical parodies are few and far between and with the upsurge in faith-inspired films we need the satire more than ever to keep people earthly minded.

I don’t think there ever has been a good parody of Genesis, which is surprising because there is so much obvious material to play with . The nudity, the talking snake, the forbidden fruit blame game. And don’t forget about the rest of Genesis with that whole Sodom “destroy all gays” incident.

Let’s get back to the nudity–have we ever seen a film about Genesis where the plant life wasn’t conveniently hiding the good parts? In all the time we’ve been making films I can’t think of a fully revealed Eve. Now that movies have to fill niches and are being produced at an unprecedented rate, this is a good opportunity for Ramis to get in his religious pokes.

And it doesn’t mean the film has to insult “God” (not that I care), it just means it has to parody the literal storytelling foisted upon us in Sunday School. Did anyone else read “Pix” when they were a kid? A handout for kids with comicbook adapations of Bible stories (sanitized for innocent eyes) with moral lessons attached.

I didn’t realize it, but this little propaganda scheme started all the way back in 1949. I have a nostalgic place in my heart for these comics. I own the collected volume which is basically a Comic Book Bible. It omits all of the boring geneaologies and focuses on the popular characters. It’s a shame there’s no real blood, sex or nudity and I wish they would come out with a version for mature readers. After all the Bible is filled with the weirdest crap once you sit down and actually read it.

Jack Black is supposed to visit Sodom in “Year One” and that should definitely relate to our modern times. With all of the emphasis on Sodom being a punishment set upon gay people there may be some sight gags that wrinkle a couple of noses at the MPAA.

If Ramis succeeds we could see a parody sequel. Regardless of the 1980 “Wholly Moses” with Dudley Moore, Exodus needs to be parodied again. There’s too many gags to count. And enough with trying to avoid the actual Bible characters by using premises where someone is mistaken for Moses or, in the case of The Life of Brian, Jesus Christ himself. It’s a cop out. Let’s parody Moses directly. Charlton Heston set the standard for the classic version. Jack Black as Moses would be incredibly hilarious–you can see it in your head right now, just like me.

But as you can see from the trailer, you should already be laughing. If you aren’t, I’m glad you’re offended.

With the media overload on the “swine flu epidemic” we can also add Star Trek into the list of affected victims. Mexicans will have to wait to “boldly go where no man, er, person, er, thing, er sentient being has gone before.”

 ET online has the in depth story…full coverage…no stone left unturned…

I guess the Wolverine movie was pushed back in Mexico too.

As you can guess, this is pretty much “non” news.  And really, doesn’t an outbreak of swine flu sound like an old Star Trek episode. Only it would take each victim one by one in different departments of The Enterprise. And the manifestation would be literal–pig snout, snorts, a curly tail sprouts. Captain Kirk would give a desperate plea in the boardroom to figure out who or what is to blame and inevitably it will be an entity who didn’t understand that humans don’t like to be afflicted with pig-related diseases. Either that or a big prank by “Q.”

 Man, with lame posts like this I can’t wait to see a good blockbuster movie.

Sidenote: Anyone else think “Spock” looks like he’s on speed and hasn’t slept for a month?

I noted earlier when I posted “Obsessed with a White Woman” that this movie could be a big hit because it was a white on black crime–or rather a white woman hitting on a married black man was sure to get a black woman pissed.

What I didn’t note is that after watching “Obsessed” that this is NOT a horror movie (as some critics have called it) or even a suspense thriller. It’s an action movie.

All we are waiting for in the movie is for Beyonce to kick some “skinny white ass.” That’s it. To be honest, I’m not even sure Ali Larter’s character “Lisa” did enough to deserve to die? Yes, she hit on Derek, tried to commit suicide in his bed, and she tricked her way past the babysitter to cuddle with their kid, but beyond that? No dead pet rabbits in the boiling water.

This is a tame Lifetime movie of the week and the suspense is lacking. When it came time for the showdown though I heard the women in the audience get riled up like men at a sporting event. And it dawned on me that all of the movies we think are female action movies–like Lara Croft, Tomb Raider–are really just more action movies for guys. What women need are action movies where there’s something emotional at stake–like a woman hitting on their man at work.

So I propose a whole new string of female action movies with the likes of Beyonce, Tyra Banks and maybe even Oprah–oh and if you want a white woman then Nancy Grace. All one has to do is take a show topic and turn it into a script: “My best friend slept with my fiance.” Then all the script has to do is leave room for a bitch fight at the end so the audience can hoot and holler, “Grab her hair!” “Gouge her eyes out!” “Remind her she’s over the recommended Body Mass Index!”

I kid, but it’s true. Domestic action movies where the plot stays close to home could be a new genre. If you’ll notice, the leading man did not give into temptation unlike Fatal Attraction. Which is why men didn’t really have much emotion invested in Obsessed. “Hey, we’re innocent. Let the girls fight it out.” Plus there wasn’t any nudity anyways, so I don’t advise this as entertainment for men to begin with. Only the last fifteen minutes are worth seeing.

The rest of the picture is for women who can’t hold their tongues–like my wife and one of her friends, and frankly all of the other women behind me that I kept hearing whisper comments.

SIDENOTE: Did anyone notice that there was no confirmation that “Lisa” slept with Derek when she drugged him? What was the purpose of her taking that action. Now that I think might have been justification for a final death. Basically raping Beyonce’s man. I think there must have been some big discussion behind the scenes and parts were edited out which would have made the film more vicious.

Wolverine will be the hottest movie coming up. I think once again we have a return to the forgotten blockbuster summer where the studios went all out to get us to put down recession time money for tickets, popcorn and needless novelty toys. Look at the line up: Wolverine, Transfomers, Harry Potter, Terminator Salvation, and Star Trek? Holy Crap! Not to mention other possible hits like Land of the Lost and Public Enemies (Is Christian Bale starring in everything now-a-days?).

Back to Wolverine. I’m sure this coming Halloween kids will be dressing up as the hairy guy with the blades and I’m sure that may make kids realize how awkward it would be to “be Wolverine.”

We’re all human, er, as in we all make mistakes. Our bodies can flinch, trip, have one of those leg seizures when we’re sleeping, and do random things that make us feel like klutzes. How many injuries would the emergency room get if everyone had blades in their hands that could come out at any time?

It’s true that Wolverine has incredible healing abilities, but knowing my luck maybe the rest of us, if mutated with a metal alloy forced upon our bone claws, wouldn’t be so fortunate. We’d get the dangerous claws, no healing abilities and an expensive health insurance premium.

• See the cartoon above: putting in contacts. One muscle spasm and you’ve shot your eye out the other side of your head. Plus you’re out a contact. Those things cost money.
• Cooking: you know moms everywhere would be slicing sandwiches in two for their kids’ lunches. How many fingers would end up being brown-bagged?
• Wiping your butt: Yes, I went there because we’re all thinking it. One wrong move and you’ve added another hole.
• Shaking hands: nervous about meeting a sales client. Don’t squeeze that hand too hard or you’ve killed the deal.
• Playing with the kids: Don’t throw them too high in the air. Catching them might trigger some dicing.
• Making love: there could be more bedroom complaints than “your finger is cold” (Yes, I went there again, Ms. Hannah Montana).

Putting aside the accidents, the best thing about everyone having Wolverine claws would be the spectacles: road rage, domestic disputes, and new episodes of Jerry Springer.

If you’re looking for one of those experiences where you’re appalled and enthralled at the same time than look no futher than “Battle Royale.”It sounds like an innocent manga title, one where there might be giant robots or little monsters with all kinds of secret moves–but it’s not. It has to be one of the most vicious comic book series ever drawn. The reason being? The villains are not ghosts, monsters or other-worldly beings–the villains are all of us. How far would you go to save your own ass?

Battle Royale takes place in a future where Japan has become a police state. In order to control insurgencies and political insurrection, the “The Republic of Greater East Asia” starts “The Program.”

What happens is an unsuspecting class of teenage kids is taken on a class trip, a trip where all but one will return alive. They are gassed into a deep sleep before arriving at their destination: The Okishima Island School. There is no escape unless someone could swim into the open sea without drowning.

When they awake they are told that they have been chosen to play a game. The rules are rather simple because there simply aren’t any rules. The objective is to be the last classmate standing–which means you kill all of your other classmates. If you don’t and no one participates, then everyone dies. Each child is given a backpack with a random weapon and told to leave. Once out the door, no one is their friend any longer, all are enemies for the sake of survival.

The children are controlled by collars that will detonate either by remote or if a child tries to pry it off. When it explodes so does your entire throat.

I’m sure the reader is thinking that this is just another perverted Japanese horror story, and it is. But if you read the manga series you will get to know each character in-depth before they meet their gruesome end. This makes the series both touching and horrific.

Be forewarned, this comic book series is for adults. There is sex and violence and often in the same scene.  Genitals are not off limits for mutilation.

Now I just finally got to see the movie version of Battle Royale and just to note, both the comic book series and the movie are based off of the original 1999 book by author Koushun Takami. I still need to read it to do a full comparison to the other interpretations.

The movie version, while interesting, does not live up to the impact of the comic book. The manga has so much horror, characterization and drawn detail that it is disappointing to try to see a movie render the same scenes.

And the casting of the main character Shuya seemed wrong, as well as the casting for what I would call the main villainess Mitsuko also did not seem to fit. To be fair, the only problem with the actress playing Mitsuko is that she has, well, no breasts in comparison to the sex pinup that is the manga character.

The reason this is important and not just pointless T&A is that Mitsuko uses her body to lure her male classmates to their death.There is even one scene in the manga where she is riding a boy and kills him while she climaxes. In the movie they sort of indicate the same scene from a distance, but it’s not that effective. Mitsuko is incredibly disturbing because while you are turned on by her you also find out about her past–child abuse–which explains why she is the person she is now. In the requiems played at the end of the movie they do show one brilliant scene where everyone is cheering and congratulating each other on winning the school basketball game…only Mitsuko is left out walking way because she realizes she doesn’t fit in with all of the jubilation.

The Battle Royale movie version as a whole feels low budget which I find surprising due to the popularity of the book. Even with Japanese standards of decency in entertainment critics thought the movie controversial which could explain a lack of interested investors. This is one movie that needs to be made by Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez using the new style that has been developed to give backdrops and characters a comic book feel.

So I’m pressing for an American movie version of Battle Royale to be made. I think the casting would be better because of our diversity–where else could you find a tall Asian woman with large breasts? Tera Patrick would be perfect if she were younger to play Mitsuko.

And where else would you get the attention to detail and characterization needed to pull off a complicated perverted horror fest of a movie like Battle Royale? Ultimately, it would have to be unrated, but they could put out an edited version for the theaters.

The most recent news is that there are plans for an American remake, but that word was leaked in 2006 and we haven’t seen a whole lot of progress. Apparently fans of the original film discussed here did not want to see it remade. Honestly, it’s good, but not worthy of a “hands off” classic. Multiple interpretations are required because the themes cross borders. Highschool is a war zone, Battle Royale is a vivid metaphor showing that and maybe even life outside of school. Why do we think some kids finally crack, as do adults, and go out with a bang killing as many people as they can? They fought to be number one and lost. Spilling blood is their final “loser’s cry.”

I’m not saying that Battle Royale as a movie isn’t good by itself. It’s worth watching. It’s just not good enough and the story and characters are too engaging to abandon them to this one version. If anything, Japanese animators should attempt their own version. Maybe that would do justice to the blood, guts, tears and sex. Disney could distribute it–to hell with their family friendly reputation.