I just wrote an article with some accompanying music videos for CDinsight.com called “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow - Ten Glam Bands You May Have Forgotten” (yes, the title is intentionally cheezy) and I was surprised to find out about a band that should’ve been the next big thing. Their problem was they were released too late–1992.

The band was called Wildside, not to be confused with another band on the net with the same name. This is definitely a hair metal band, but one that, within the confines of the genre, put out some good music that hardly anyone has heard. If you look them up on Rhapsody.com there are two volumes called The Essential Wildside. I’d recommend at least listening to volume one unless you absolutely hate hair metal and that raspy voice sound inspired by AC/DC. Being that I’m a Cinderella fan, I enjoyed the collection.

Now an example of a glam band that deserved its slow death, at least with their debut, is Britny Fox. However, I must admit their “Girl School” video is a guilty pleasure. Unfortunately all the rest of the songs on their debut feel like Spinal Tap wrote the lyrics. “Save the Weak” is awful and funny at the same time. Can’t understand how anyone would publish a song like that.

At the time I’m writing this Olivia Newton John is being played back to back on The ABC Family Channel. She appears first in Grease followed by Xanadu, the cheezy musical movie women love.

If you go to YouTube you can see one of her big hits from the early eighties called “Physical.” The song itself sounds dirty: Let’s get physical. Physical. Let me hear your body talk…

But the video interprets the song in a humorous fashion with fat men trying to get in shape. Olivia proceeds to torture each one of them by cranking up the speed on an exercise bike and jumping on a guy’s back while massaging him. Then she smugly goes off to a shower, apparently forgetting to take off her clothes.

When she returns to the gym she finds all her fat guys have turned into muscular men wearing bikini briefs, men she has to touch. Unfortunately, they leave her in pairs holding hands. Yes, working out with Olivia Newton John transforms you into a gay muscle man.

You would think with a song like “Physical” that you would see Olivia in an outfight tighter than the one she wore at the end of Grease, or at least some suggestive skin. Instead were treated to a humorous display of flesh at the expense of men who are either fat or gay. It has to be the un-sexiest music video ever–unless you like gay men.

I just discovered Lily Allen, as is often the case since I try new music using my Rhapsody account and it seems like she is following on the heels of Katy Perry with provocative lyrics with a friendly beat.

Songs like “F**K You” for instance which you would expect from an aging punk band or angry wannabe lesbian alternative band. The lyrics are angry but the music to the lyrics makes it all very charming. The opening piano on the song reminds you of a feel-good song sung by The Carpenters.

It’s a little hard to tell who the lyrics are aimed at, but it certainly seems to start with targeting bigots:

So sick and tired.
Of all
The hatred you harbor,
so you say
It’s not okay to be gay,
Well I think
You’re just evil.
You’re just some racist.
Who can’t tie my laces,
You’re point of view
Is medieval.

The lyrics get a little harder to interpret later on but maybe the whole song is targeting bigotry. I’m not sure. I simply think it’s a catchy tune with an epithet.

The rest of the album is filled with more amusing lyrics and accompanying music. When did young girls get so ballsy and foul-mouthed? Or am I just being patronizing?

BTW: There is an edited version of “F**K You” with horn and horse noises interrupting the epithet. This one is funnier because of the odd attempts to censor the chorus and I hope it makes it to the airwaves.

The last couple of times I went to the theater I was early enough to catch “the pre-show” which now includes National Guard Ads. The first rock music video ad called “Citizen Warrior” was done by “3 Doors Down” who honestly I hadn’t heard of before. The second rock music video ad was done by “Kid Rock.” When the hell did hard rock and government ever mix?

I’m not even trying to be political here. You can be Republican or Democrat, but rock music is about flipping the bird to “the man.” When rock artists start doing propaganda for the United States Military then something is seriously wrong. I wasn’t able to find the background information that I wanted, but it looks like The National Guard didn’t just license the music, they commissioned the songs–paid with our tax dollars.

I know there are some old-timers with tears in their eyes over the videos like this guy here, but these aren’t tributes or memorials to fallen soldiers. These are propaganda pieces in order sucker in kids to join up so they can be shipped off to Iraq.

If you want to hear a military tribute listen to Iced Earth’s “The Glorious Burden.” The difference here is the entire album was produced without the aid of government by Jon Schaffer who is a history buff and admirer of those who sacrificed themselves in military conflict.

If Kid Rock wants to continue to help the government out at taxpayers’ expense he can write an anti-drug song for the ad council. Otherwise start acting like a rock and roll star again.

Fashion police always crack me up. They like to rip celebs to shreds for wearing the wrong outfit when it really comes down to–”Who Cares!” The musician or actor they’re trashing has accomplished more than they will ever do in their lifetimes. Policing fashion is not an accomplishment.

With that said, I’m fine with making the catty remarks and being a hypocrite. I just want to put it all in perspective. E-online posted several Grammy fashion do’s and don’ts.

I’m not sure what the hell this is?

Okay, okay, she’s pregnant but short women of Sri Lankan Tamil descent (yeah, I looked it up) should not wear dresses that make them look even shorter.

Same goes for Leona Lewis?

Again, she looks short. Women of Black Irish descent (yes, I looked her up too) shouldn’t wear…y’know, you would think Black Irish would be taller?

I will restrain myself to mocking only one more outfit worn by “Estelle”:

Hello there, space cadet!

What was truly the first rap metal song? I’m sure that will spark debate. All I remember is that disease and crime created the first memorable rap metal song.

The disease was Anthrax, the metal band during the eighties that couldn’t quite be defined. They are categorized as thrash, but their song structures went in all kinds of directions and their lead singer Joey Belladonna was not a growler like Slayer’s Tom Araya or Metallica’s James Hetfield–or a whiner like Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine.

The crime was Public Enemy, the infamous rap duo of Chuck D. and Flavor Flav (there were other band members but do we remember them?). Politically charged lyrics and some of the toughest rap vocals ever courtesy of Chuck D. made this rap group a favorite with metal fans.

Initially it was Anthrax that started to bridge the gap between two genres by showing their love for Public Enemy’s music. Scott Ian would wear Public Enemy T-shirts onstage. Chuck D. noticed and reciprocated by giving them a shout out on one of his albums.

In 1991 the two groups finally collaborated on “Bring The Noise.” The rap song was originally put on the 1987 Less Than Zero soundtrack (a movie about white people who party too much as I recall) and then later released on the 1988 album “It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back.”

Public Enemy and Anthrax recorded the updated version of “Bring The Noise” which was a heavier, in your face, anthem for both metal fans and rap fans. And then they took it on tour. The fans loved it and music history was made.  According to Wiki ” It was ranked #12 on VH1’s 2006 list of the 40 Greatest Metal Songs.”

This isn’t new news, but I thought it made a nice addition to my other article about The Taming of Rap Stars. Ice-T is a Tupperware fan.

He caught Tupperware’s attention when he mentioned the plasticware on The Conan O’ Brien Show. Of course the uncool product line associated with housewives who have nothing better to do then try to sell the pieces to their friends (usually they end up buying the products for themselves so their sales sheets look good) wanted to associate with a well known rapper and TV star.

You might guess that I don’t like Tupperware. Some friend of my wife’s keeps trying to sell it to her and of course she gave her a set of Tupperware bowls as a Christmas gift (so again someone bought the product themselves to improve their sales figures). I don’t think there’s anything special about Tupperware. There’s plenty of plasticware out there where I don’t have to pay for the Tupperware brand name.

According to this post on contactmusic.com Ice-T is quoted as saying: “Tupperware is ghetto. Rich people don’t know about Tupperware because they don’t eat leftovers. Real people use Tupperware.”

And then he goes on to say about his party put on by Tupperware corporate: “All my rap friends showed up. It was very fly. We were drinking champagne out of Tupperware glasses.” This is something poor people apparently do with champagne…?

First off, poor people buy the knockoff Tupperware that is cheaper. Second of all, Tupperware is hardly ghetto. I grew up in middle-class suburbia and Tupperware was common. Maybe these weren’t “rich people” but there were a lot of families who were well off (doctors, lawyers, etc).  Don’t try to make it “ghetto” cool. Your party was an infomercial–YOU’RE ICE T, FOR GOD’S SAKES!

Can you imagine back in the day when “Cop Killer” came out and during the flood of controversy Ice-T comes out in favor of Tupperware? Would Tupperware have even wanted an association with Ice-T?

Like I said, it’s the taming of the rap stars. They have all settled down due to success and money, only I’m not sure they recognize how tame they are now.

I guess it doesn’t surprise me that Dr. Dre’s son Andre Young Jr., overdosed on Heroin, People Magazine is dredging up the story from last year for some reason. Rap artists probably aren’t the best role models considering their street rep backgrounds. I can understand young Andre smoking pot–heroin though? Dare I say bad parenting may be involved?

And yet I would like to propose that many notorious rap artists from the past have cleaned up their act so much so that they can star in family-oriented shows and movies. The genre has been tamed by mainstream success and no one would have guessed from those early days that these infamous rap stars would be fit for family viewing.

Take Ice Cube for instance. I remember listening to N.W.A and not being able to say what the acronym meant out loud because I was an uncool white kid. My half-jap friend (and that’s how he described himself) let me listen to the album as well as it was played where I later worked at Burgerville when we were closing up.

At the time, I didn’t care much for mainstream rap like Fresh Prince or Kid ‘N’ Play. It seemed too sugar-coated, I’d probably now listen to it for giggles. Gangsta rap fascinated me much like other kids at the time and since I was into heavy metal it felt more in line with what I considered to be “heavy music.” However, I was also very conservative at the time with my beliefs (yes, I was a teenage enigma) and I disapproved of the lyrics such as a “bitch is a bitch.” Like most teens, though, I mentally blocked the real meaning of the lyrics and enjoyed the music.

So what is Ice Cube doing now? The last thing I saw was trailer for the sequel “Are We Done Yet,” a family movie about buying a fixer upper out in the woods. According to Wiki it is a remake of Mr. Blandling Builds His Dream House starring Cary Grant. The kind of movie that used to be reserved for bland white comedian actors mainly due to marketing reasons. I can see marketing asking, “Who wants to see a former gangsta rapper try to fix a house?”

I’m not criticizing Ice Cube for doing such projects–I applaud him–I just think it’s ironic considering his tough image from the past. Similarly Snoop Dogg, mister mellow dope smoker, has appeared on Monk and even reinterpreted the Monk theme song. I don’t want to say Monk is a “white show” (I know black people who enjoy it too), but I’m not sure I would call it typical TV fare that is representative of “da hood.”

Much like Ice Cube’s movies, Monk is a ”family show,” in my opinion, because it is rarely offensive except maybe for the murders (we never take the murders seriously in murder mystery shows anyhow). Families gather to watch this show, I’m sure.

The only rapper I can think of off the top of my head who is in a TV show that is not what I call “family viewing” is Ice T (BTW: his real name is Tracy Lauren Marrow, no wonder he changed it). He stars in the Law and Orderseries as Detective Fin Tutuola. Isn’t this the same guy who sang “Cop Killer” ?

What this all really means is that those of us who listened to the dangerous “PMRC” labeled rap in the late eighties and early nineties are growing older. Our gangsta icons have settled down and are enjoying life instead of worrying about getting shot at.

That’s a good thing I believe. Family TV and Movies may not have street credibility, but who cares. When you’re young you fight the world, when you’re older you do a little fighting as you plan you’re next trip to Disneyland with the kids and then take an afternoon nap.

It is a surreal moment from pop culture history. Pink Floyd unintentionally made “pigs fly”.

Their album Animals was a critique of the excesses of capitalism and Pink Floyd was heavily inspired by George Orwell’s symbolism in his book Animal Farm (though George Orwell was criticising the excesses of communism). The album lyrics refer to three main groups of animals: Dogs as businessmen, Sheep as the helpless underclass used by Dogs, and lastly Pigs as tyrannical leaders.

Which leads us to a giant helium-filled pig created for a photoshoot to be used on the album cover.

On the first day of photographing and filming this balloon animal, a marksman was kept on hand to shoot it down in case it broke free of its reins.

On the second day they dispensed with the marksman due to insurance issues and as Murphy’s Law dictates that is when the giant helium pig escaped and began floating up into the sky.

Imagine being on an airplane, eating your bag of peanuts and looking out the small window to your right to see a giant pig. Very surreal indeed. London Heathrow Airport delayed their flights until the matter was resolved after one of their planes reported spotting the flying animal.

Various attempts were made to track the beast until it landed in a farmer’s field. Amazingly the shooting crew patched it up and flew it again for a third time.

Every year around the holidays it comes time to pick out music that will put you in the Christmassy mood.

You could choose a Twisted Sister Christmas, an album that celebrates classics songs with hair metal singing–and I believe they knew how corny the project was when they put it out in 2006. It’s still fun if you want to annoy your parents–that is if they’re still alive. Better yet if you were a teenager when Twisted Sister was popular you can annoy your kids by playing the album in the car on the way to Grandma’s house. Every generation has its noise.

The real Christmas Metal treat, if you can even define it as “metal,” is The Trans-Siberian Orchestra, named after The Trans-Siberian Railway in Russia. Apparently the symbolism is that the railway connects different cultures who otherwise would be out of touch with each other. In the same way, The Trans-Siberian Orchestra connects different styles of music which are usually kept apart.

Nothing said could be truer when you first listen to the premiere Christmas Metal Orchestra around (there will be clones I’m sure). They have, I believe, accomplished what most bands try to do and that is create a music tradition. This writer discovered them on Real Rhapsody where they are featured every year. All of their albums are available if you have an account.

The music varies from some covers of classic hymns to new compositions that feel like traditional songs. Trans-Siberian is unique in that if fuses what could be described as “hair metal” with classical singing and playing. And it doesn’t come off as cheezy which is usually what happens with these experiments. It all blends nicely and dare I say that they “create magic” with their playing?

 It’s also far better than the usual musical celeb coming out with yet another album rehash of all the old winter holiday songs. I guess Sheryl Crow came out with one this year. Why?

New Christmas songs are incredibly hard to compose and fuse into the pop culture. Trans-Siberian Orchestra has done the impossible. If you haven’t heard of them I would keep an ear out because I predict they will become more and more popular every holiday season. When we latch onto a piece of music that lifts our Christmas spirits, we don’t let go.